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Written and published by Craig Campbell
Visit my website at: http://www.rainbowpridecoach.com
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A free email newsletter dedicated to empowering
Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Individuals & Groups
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Newsletter 2

In this Issue:
The Ten Practices of Healthy Connections
Assessing Your Connections

Newsletter Quote

About Craig Campbell
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The Ten Practices of Healthy Connections

Research on the components of happiness reveals that the quality of our relationships with intimate partners and friends is extremely important in creating happiness for ourselves.  People who are isolated and lonely tend to experience higher levels of pessimism, despair, and hopelessness.  This, in turn, leads to increased health problems, low energy, underachievement, financial problems, spiritual devastation, and even premature death.  Many gay, lesbian, and bisexual people are especially vulnerable because there is a higher likelihood that they have experienced rejection by family members, peers, friends, and religious groups.  So many of us are forced to create an “alternative family” in order to get our needs for deep connection met.  My partner Brad and I will be celebrating five years together this Fall, and I know that having him in my life has enriched my life tremendously.  We both have what I would call adequate but not especially deep connections with our blood families.  In order to get our needs for deeper connection met, we have had to force ourselves to be more social.  I use the word “force” here because we both tend to be introverts!  On top of that, I have struggled with a fair amount of social anxiety since my teenage years.  I believe this stems in part from being teased and bullied by homophobic peers when I was in school and from not getting the emotional nurturing and validation I needed at home.  Brad and I have what I believe to be a functional relationship.  I had been in some shorter term relationships with varying degrees of functionality before Brad, and one of the things I learned is that its better to be single and getting your needs for deep connection met with valued friends than it is to remain in a dysfunctional relationship!  More about that later.  For the purpose of this newsletter, the words “relationship,” “partner” and “significant other,” will be used to include intimate/sexual relationships—both committed and casual, intimate/non-sexual relationships, activity partners, friendships of all levels of closeness, relationships with supportive family members, and non-superficial acquaintance relationships. Here are the ten steps to deeper connections:

1.  Spend Quality Time Together.

This might seem obvious, but I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve worked with who complain that they don’t feel connected to others and it turns out that they aren’t spending much quality time with their significant others.  I’ve known couples who seemed to be entrenched in conflict bring their relationship back from the brink of disaster by prioritizing their relationship and scheduling at least one “date night” a week in which they dine together at home or at a restaurant, then go to a movie, a show, for a walk, or other special activity, and then finish the evening with enjoyable sexual intimacy.  Brad and I wanted to increase our connections to our friends and also meet new friends, so we joined a local GLB swim team and began hosting a monthly euchre club.  These two endeavors have done wonders to revitalize our social life without sacrificing our need for time spent with just the two of us and also time spent alone.  

 2. Express Appreciation and Gratitude.

No plant grows very well when it’s placed in a dark closet.  Its needs sunshine to survive and thrive.  Similarly, relationships that contain what Dr. John Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen,” namely, “criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling,” with contempt being the most destructive, tend to deteriorate over time if they are not offset by more positive interactions.  Tell the people you are closest to how much they mean to you on a regular basis. Thank them for the loving things they do for you.  My partner and I divided the household chores and one of the tasks he does is care for the yard.  He does a great job mowing the grass, weeding and tending to the flowers, shrubs, and trees, and I let him know it!  I enjoy giving cards and small gifts to Brad and my friends letting them know how much I love them.  Healthy touch can also express these sentiments.  Hugs, shoulder rubs, and other forms of touch can communicate support, caring, and love.  Of course, its important to make sure your significant other is comfortable with touch.

 3. Be a Good Listener and Good Questioner.  Solicit Feedback.

Listen to your partner’s opinions, stories, dreams, aspirations, likes, dislikes, etc.  Honor and respect them even if some or many of them are different from yours.  Demonstrate your ability to listen non-judgmentally and compassionately.  Display genuine interest in your partner’s life situations and ask relevant questions.  This goes a long way in helping to build trust and closeness.  It is a wonderful privilege when someone feels safe enough to share their vulnerability with you. 

From time to time, ask your significant other what they like about their relationship with you and also what they wish they could change or modify.  This last part takes a lot of courage, but if you can listen non-defensively and with an open mind, its amazing how much you can learn about yourself.  Chances are, if your partner or friend perceives you in a certain way, others may as well.  Of course, even if there are things they wish were different, like your dislike of going camping or preference for seafood restaurants, that doesn’t mean you have to change them.  On the other hand, there may be some things like your tendency to interrupt or your consistent failure to be punctual that you could agree to work on.  

4. Self-Disclose.

People can’t connect with you if you don’t reveal yourself.  This might seem self-evident, but I’m amazed at the number of people who seem to expect intimacy to happen automatically---without any risk or effort!  No connection is possible without taking healthy risks.  Learn the art of sharing your thoughts, feelings, dreams, aspirations, likes and dislikes in a thoughtful, sensitive manner, just as you listen attentively to those of others.  Timing is important here.  Sometimes people self-disclose very personal information too early in a relationship, and this can sometimes push the other party away.  It’s important to establish a solid emotional bond before disclosing very personal information, like having been sexually abused as a child, for example. The reciprocal rhythm of listening and self-disclosing, giving and taking, is what fosters strong connections with others other times.  There is no such thing as “instant intimacy.”  I’ve known people who treated relationships like sprint races and if their significant other wasn’t ready to “commit” by their deadline, typically only after a few weeks, they were labeled “afraid of intimacy” and summarily dumped.  Typically, it’s the individual trying to rush closeness that is more often afraid of intimacy.  I’ve also know people who were mutually eager for instant closeness and began their relationship with each other with a great deal of intensity, sharing and self-disclosure.  It’s never surprising to me that these relationships rarely last because the fundamental laws of establishing rapport and building trust at a gradual, natural pace have been violated.  This is common in codependent and love addicted relationships.      

5. Don’t Create Conflict but Don’t Avoid Conflict Either.  

A certain amount of conflict is normal in every relationship, but it’s important to pick your battles. Paying attention to your emotions is important here.  If you find yourself feeling irked every time your significant other says or does something in particular, its important you find a way to bring up your concerns in a tactful manner.  Conflict that is pushed underground doesn’t go away.  On the contrary, it erodes the foundation of your relationship and can even begin to siphon passion and tender loving feelings out of the relationship.  Learn to problem solve together and to negotiate and compromise.  When feeling intense emotions like anger, it’s helpful to journal, vent to a confidante, exercise, practice deep breathing, or any other calming activity before approaching the other person with your concerns.  Otherwise, all they are likely to hear is your intensity, which may make the feel attacked and defensive.  They may reflexively put an emotional wall up and your words may not get transmitted.  Notice couples who seem to yell at each other a lot and appear to be comfortable with it.  It’s like they keep having the same fights over and over again with no resolution.  This is called negative intimacy, and it’s unhealthy.  Deeper connection is only possible with positive intimacy.  John Gottman, Ph.D. reports that couples need to have at least five positive encounters for very one negative encounter

(5:1 ratio) or the relationship will start to suffer.

6. Make Amends.     

Make amends when you’ve said or done something to hurt your significant other’s feelings.  The ability to say you’re sorry and mean it and admit when you are wrong is very important in relationships.  People who can’t ever admit to making a mistake or who can’t identify and acknowledge their role in problems are on very shaky ground.  They may be charming.  They may be funny. They may be capable of having multiple superficial “cocktail party” relationships.  They may function fine in relationships as long as “fair weather” prevails.  But they cannot tolerate conflict or criticism, and they will either escape by putting up an emotional walls or ending the relationship. Their narcissism and perfectionism will make it difficult to ever connect with others in a deep way.  They may be “there,” but they are “not there.”   The ability to connect with others deeply requires a fair amount of ego strength and self-esteem.  Because the narcissist’s ego strength and self-esteem are very fragile (narcissism is really an over-compensation for this weakness), they cannot admit to mistakes or own their part in relationship problems because it would put their whole psychic system at risk of collapse.  They must blame.  They must rationalize and make excuses.  They must never be wrong.  They must never get a smudge on their white coats.  They must, alas, remain forever lonely in a very profound way no matter how many “relationships’ they have.

7. Forgive.

It is also important to forgive your partner when they make mistakes.  Don’t hold grudges.  Again, if you are having trouble letting go of anger, try journaling, engaging in physical exercise, meditation and talking to another trusted friend to get some perspective on the situation.  Even in healthy relationships, people will sometimes be insensitive and say or do things that hurt your feelings.  All relationships will cause you some level of pain at times.  Betty Berzon, Ph.D., an author who has written extensively about intimacy and relationships between gay people, has pointed out that all two frequently gay couples, for a myriad of reasons, throw in the towel on their relationships too early.   However, it important to distinguish the normal and expectable pains of healthy relationships from the chronic pain of physically or emotionally abusive or neglectful relationships.  Again, trusted, insightful friends who know you well can help you differentiate healthy from unhealthy relationships.  More about this below.

8. Honor Relationship Cycles.

All relationships experience cycles of connection and closeness followed by less connection and more distance.  This is normal.  One of the things that characterizes relationships that work is that is that both parties are comfortable with the amount of closeness and distance in their relationship.  We all have limited time and energy, so not all of our relationships will have the same amount of depth.  Again, a fair amount of ego strength and self-esteem is necessary in order to trust that the natural separations that occur in relationships do not foreshadow impending abandonment.  Similarly, during periods of closeness, an adequate amount of ego strength and self-esteem are essential in order to trust that the increased intimacy does not herald a smothering engulfment.  Those with self-esteem and ego strength deficits will typically either cling or withdraw when natural relationships cycles occur.  They are unable to trust the natural rhythms.  Almost always these folks have been deeply hurt in past relationships and they may require psychotherapy before they will be able to sustain deep connections with others. 

9. End or Modify Unhealthy Relationships.

If we find ourselves in toxic or energy draining relationships with people who have consistently violated our boundaries and who have been unresponsive or unwilling to process conflicts in a responsible, mature adult fashion, we may be better off either ending these relationships or drastically decreasing the time we spend with these individuals.  Remaining in these kind of unrewarding alliances can sap our strength and even chip away at our self-esteem.  It can also cause us to become suspicious, cynical, and pessimistic about the integrity and trustworthiness of people in general, which could potentially result in the contamination of our healthy connections with others.  I have known many people who have been paralyzed for months or even years after they emerge from an abusive or energy draining relationship.  It was obvious that the unhealthy relationship had consequences beyond the scope and duration of the relationship itself.  It also had an impact on their mental health. Don’t waste your time and energy trying to fix an unhealthy relationship that is beyond repair. 

On the other hand, unhealthy relationships can teach us a lot about ourselves, and if we can use them to foster our own growth and development and to make wiser choices in the future, they can be immensely valuable.      

10. Nurture Your Loving Heart.      

Nurturing your loving heart can go a long way to making your relationships healthier and attracting loving people into your life, since like attracts like. One of my favorite spiritual practices is the loving-kindness practice, which comes from the Buddhist tradition, and I have found that the best time to do it is when I’m driving by myself. During this practice, I send loving thoughts and goodwill wishes to Brad, my friends, my blood family, and even people I have had more troublesome relationships with or who I’m not especially close to.  I have discovered that this practice has helped to deepen my connections with others significantly.  It has also allowed me to increase my feelings of love and decrease my feeling of fear.

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Assessing Your Connections

1.   Is there someone in your life you have been neglecting?  Are you ready to prioritize the relationship and commit to spending more quality time with that person?

2.       Is there someone in your life you have been taking for granted?  Are you willing to start expressing your gratitude and appreciation to them on a regular basis?

3.       Do you spend more time talking about yourself in conversations with your partner?  Are you ready to commit to being a better listener and questioner?

4.       Do you avoid sharing your vulnerabilities and insecurities with your partner?  Do you now understand how this perpetuates shallowness and blocks depth in the relationship?  Do you feel strong enough to expose more of yourself to your partner?  If not, is this something you are willing to work on?

5.       Has your partner said or done something that has hurt your feelings and the feelings have festered?  Do you have some resentment toward your partner?  Have you been avoiding a difficult conversation because you don’t want to “rock the boat?”

6.       Do you owe your partner an amends?  Will you agree to schedule a time with your partner to express your regret and apologize as soon as possible?

7.       Have you had difficulty forgiving your partner for a hurt he or she caused you?  Are you holding onto resentment and bitterness?  Are you ready to take steps to clear away the negative energy and develop some empathy and compassion for your partner’s fallibility?

8.       Are you comfortable with the rhythm of closeness and distance in your relationship?  Do you or your partner need to work on being more autonomous or connected?  Are you too enmeshed?  Are you too disengaged?

9.       Are there some toxic relationships in your life that you need to end or modify?  Do you now understand how their toxicity can have consequences that reverberate to your other relationships and can damage your self-esteem and even effect your mental health?  Do you keep getting involved with the same kind of person over and over rather than learning from your mistakes?

10.   Are you ready to make a commitment to nurturing your loving heart?  Do you understand how this practice will benefit all of your relationships?   

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Newsletter Quote.

You need to learn what a healthy relationship is.

You need to learn how to achieve one.

You need to change habits that do not work.

Struggle is inevitable.

Mistakes are inevitable.

Discouragement is inevitable.

However, so is—sharing, loving, enhancement, joy,

excitement, companionship, understanding, cooperation,

trusting, growth, security, and serenity.

The choice and the challenge are yours.

                               -Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., Struggle for Intimacy 

 
If you need help in this process, call (614) 457-7699 for your FREE initial coaching consultation.

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