Gay Life Coach - Rainbow Pride Coach, Craig Campbell, MSW (614) 457-7699

For your FREE initial coaching consultation
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Craig Campbell
1721 Drew Avenue
Columbus, OH 43235
(614) 457-7699 voice
(614) 445-8283 fax

Newsletter 1
In this Issue:
Coming Out Mindfully
Assessing Your Coming Out Process
About Craig Campbell
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Coming Out Mindfully

Coming out can be one of the most important acts that gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals perform, especially when it is done mindfully. Mindfulness in this context has to do with thoughtful consideration to our own level of self-acceptance and inner strength, adequate preparation, attention to timing and presentation, awareness of expectations and consequences, and one's own personal support system. Research on the issue of internalized shame reveals that those who come out mindfully to family, friends, and significant others tend to experience greater levels of mental health and self-esteem. When one remains in the closet indefinitely, the soul suffers. How could it not? People who remain closeted are essentially telling themselves that they are not OK, that they are not acceptable, that they must keep to the shadows and dark alleys of life. Still, the issue of coming out is not an all or nothing issue. If one is working in a homophobic environment, it may not be wise to disclose one's same sex attraction to an employer early in one's career. If one is a minor growing up in a homophobic family, it may not be wise to disclose one's same sex attraction while he or she is still financially dependent on parents.

Sometimes I hear people say that being gay, lesbian or bisexual is only a small part of their lives, so therefore they see no reason to come out. Being gay, lesbian, or bisexual may not be all a person is, but it's a substantial part of who a person is. It is as significant as one's ethnicity or cultural heritage. Sometimes people say that their sex lives are nobody else's business: "why wave a flag?" Because we live in a homophobic society, coming out is essential in order to change the status quo. The more we come out, the more we will increase people's awareness that we are everywhere and that we are good people. Moreover, being gay or lesbian is not just about sexual orientation. It's also about emotional orientation. Defining homosexuality or bisexuality as simply a matter of what one does in the bedroom is reductionistic. At other times, people take issue with the use of "labels." They rationalize that they don't believe in coming out because they don't believe in labels. Labels can be self-limiting at times. However, some labels are pretty important. For example, an alcoholic has to remember they are alcoholic if they are going to remain sober; a parent needs to remember they are a parent and therefore responsible if their child is skipping school. To assert that one is gay, lesbian, or bisexual is important politically in light of where we are in an evolutionary social change sense. We have to make our coming out a big deal because we live in a culture that makes it a big deal. There may come a day when being gay, lesbian, or bisexual will be a "non-issue," but we are far from that point at this time.

Here are some suggestions to facilitate a mindful coming out process:

1. Make sure you have reached an adequate level of clarity and self-acceptance of your own sexual orientation. If you are confused or ambivalent about your sexual orientation, it's better to wait until another time to come out. Otherwise, you are likely to increase your sense of ambivalence and confusion, especially if your announcement is greeted with a negative or lukewarm response.

2. Are you prepared? It can be helpful to write down what you plan to say to the person or persons you are coming out to, and to have someone you trust review it and make suggestions. Further, it is wise to anticipate varied reactions you might get and to have responses and statements memorized, so that you can remain grounded in your self-acceptance and inner security even if you are met with disapproval.

3. Timing is very important. It's preferable not to come out during an argument, right before a major holiday or special occasion, or when the other party is tired or hungry. Trust your intuition on timing.

4. As much as possible, let go of your expectations. It has been said that expectations are premeditated resentments. To make your announcement with the expectation that you will be met with immediate acceptance or approval at one end of the continuum, or unilateral rejection or condemnation at the other end of the continuum, is probably not realistic. Even if you did get one of these extreme initial reactions, it probably would not be the last response you would get from the other party. It's very common for people to have delayed reactions to news of this nature. Practicing patience, emotional detachment, and neutrality can be helpful when you make your disclosure.

5. Assess potential consequences. What is the worst that can happen? Is this realistic? If this did happen what would your plan of action be? What are some of the more likely consequences? Can you live with them?

6. Do you have an adequate support system? A support system can serve as a safety net if you are met with rejection, and it can also be a home base where you can process more positive reactions.

Although negative responses from significant others do happen and I don't want to minimize that reality, my experience reveals that most people magnify the risk and underestimate other people's capacity to handle the disclosure of same-sex attraction. Often, these people already know on some level. And even if there is an initial negative reaction from someone who likes or loves us, the positive emotional connection that existed prior to the disclosure will "override" the negative response in time and they will adjust and adapt to the information. Remember, they have to go through an acceptance process just like you did.
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Assessing your coming out process
1. What would it take for you to feel more prepared to come out?
2. How would you handle a lukewarm response?
3. Who might be the best person to come out to first?
4. What are you hidden expectations about coming out?
5. Make a list of who will be there to support you after you first come out to someone.

If you need help in this process, call (614) 457-7699 for your FREE initial coaching consultation.
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About Craig Campbell
For the past 16 years, Craig Campbell has used his
professional roles as coach, psychotherapist,
hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner, gestalt therapist,
seminar leader and teacher to empower people to
actualize their personal & professional potentials.
Although he welcomes any and all coaching clients,
he specializes in working with the gay, lesbian, &
bisexual community.
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Contact Information
Craig Campbell, MSW, LISW, CCDC III, NBCCH
1721 Drew Avenue
Columbus, OH 43235
(614) 457-7699 voice
(614) 445-8283 fax
Email: CRussell12@aol.com
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